The conditioned part of my self – the part that broke – cannot be resurrectd; it died. And with it died my old wants, needs, desires, hopes, fears. But however newly conditioned I become, the broken part is still htere wanting to draw a bridge between life and death; pulling me into desire and suicidal thought patterns.
I can’t afford to cross that bridge if I want to stay alive.
Staying alive requires letting the broken parts stay broken.
It would be too much to bear were it not for the fact that it’s the ddivine life energy drawing me on like an animated corpse into the land of the resurrected. Like Lazarus with bandages and skin intertwined.
To continue transforming myself and the world I have to continue to trust the process that is bigger than my self. The process wich is life – the consciousness of the cosmos – is the driving force of vitality and joy. I cant manufacture the conditions I seek. Trying to do this only brings pain and suffering to others and to me.
Let go, and trust the process already begun.
When you are connected to the source, surrendered of ego and simply listening, you can send out a thought to someone in need, and it seems to make a difference sometimes. But you can’t force the hand of God. It doesn’t work that way.
All you can do is share your share of the divine presence with other beings where they are, and sometimes that’s enough.
I’m sure there’s much more that’s possible than just this. YThe same state we have in meditation has been used for millennia by shamans to lead their hunters to an animal pack; in their altered state they know that there is no space or time between them and the pack their hungry tribe are searching for.
Suffice to say that prayer with words is a slightly misguided use of time. When the disciples asked Jesus ‘how should we pray’, he gave the shortest answer possible – and half of it was about God’s will being done.
One day the source is close. Meditation practice is potent with sense perceptions and insights. The next day (or minute) meditation practice feels like it is getting nowhere. Often this will be mental blocks coming from within myself. But sometimes it is simply because the source of all life has a life of its own.
In Dogen’s words it is the untamed dragon returning to the sea, or the tiger returning to the mountains. It cannot be caught in a net, or tamed. Here, there, everywhere, sometimes, always. Boo. No boo.